saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
