I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
