Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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