there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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