i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
