Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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