I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
