found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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