My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
