Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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