If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
