Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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