i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
