I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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