Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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