Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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