I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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