Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
