You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
