Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
