Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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