Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
