Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
