Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
