You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
