I wanna bring you to show and tell
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
