i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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