If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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