Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
