It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
