you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
