Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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