im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Farmville is her only friend.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
