when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
