Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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