Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
