I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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