Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
