I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
