wanna go halves on a baby?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
