dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
