How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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