why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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