i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
