So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Randomize
