PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
