im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I am available for nakedness
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
