Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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