My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
