My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
im six kinds of drunk right now
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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