well I can't set my house on fire every night
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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